wings

we’re driving down the highway and you’re playing wings because i said i liked birdy and you said you did too. i’m everywhere and nowhere all at once. i miss you when you’re here and i miss you when you’re gone and i don’t want you to go and i wonder what you’re thinking. i ask you not to hurt me and you say you never will and i wait wait wait. i think and i wait and i replay driving down the highway as the sun sets in my mind watching the light fall over your face and i feel free and i feel sad because wings is playing and it’s beautiful and it made me think of you and it makes me think of you. you put your hand on my leg and ask me what it means when i’m quiet, i say i’m just thinking. i’m thinking about everything and i’m thinking about you and this and i feel sad and i wonder what this memory means and what it will mean in time to come. i wonder if wings will be a song i can listen to again without thinking about this moment in time. i’m not quite sure. i don’t want you to leave and you haven’t even gone yet. i’m thinking about the fact that you will and i can’t think about anything else.

i think you’re beautiful and i think you’re what i want and maybe you’re what i need but i know you’re what i want because i want this and i don’t want anything else right now. i miss you and you’re not even gone. you leave and i want to cry because i feel empty and so does my room because there’s not a trace of you in it and were you even here if i can’t see you anymore? my room is just my room now and it’s empty and i can’t be alone and i don’t want to sleep tonight without you next to me and i wonder what that will be like when your body was pressed against mine and now it’s not and i wonder how cold i’ll feel and how lonely that will make me.

but i don’t want to know so i don’t find out and instead i find myself in a lamplit room cross legged on a bed and i’m crying because my heart hurts and maybe my head does too and i don’t know what to do and i’m confused and sad and you’re looking at me and i have nothing to say because i don’t want to hurt you but i can’t say goodbye. i don’t want to say goodbye. you’re looking at me like you want to open my mind and you ask me what’s wrong and i can’t tell you i can’t tell you. you ask me why and i just shake my head. you hold me and my tears are on your shoulder and i wonder if i can cope without this. if i can live in a moment where this is no longer an option, where i can no longer have this and instead only the memory of it will keep me company. who will keep me company if i say goodbye? everyone will be long gone and it will only be me to blame, but i don’t want to say goodbye. i can’t. i think about driving down that highway again and i want to hold your hand and i want you to be here but you’re not, and where am i? i don’t know. everywhere and nowhere. i’m old and young all at once and i’m fragile but independent and i do adult things and feel proud of myself because i’m in control but i’m not. i tell you what i’m scared of most is not being able to control other people’s thoughts and feelings and you say that’s just how the world works. i know. but that still doesn’t mean i like it.

i drive home through open roads and i wonder and i wander and i listen to wings and i want to cry and i wish you were here. i wish you were here. it made me think of you, it made me think of you.

sunlight comes creeping in
illuminates our skin
we watch the day go by
stories of all we did
it made me think of you
it made me think of you


under a trillion stars
we danced on top of cars
took pictures of the stage
so far from where we are
they made me think of you
they made me think of you


lights go down
in the moment we’re lost and found
i just wanna be by your side
if these wings could fly
for the rest of our lives

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