Drove to work listening to channel orange today. The CD has been displayed on my shelf ever since I bought it years ago and today I decided I needed it. The sun was shining and the sky was clear blue, which is everything I think about when I think of channel orange – that’s the whole point of the name itself.
Sometimes I think you need to just go back to yourself in order to be able to talk to yourself again, find out what you’re doing this for. What it’s all about. I need to buy Born To Die The Paradise Edition on CD too, so I’ll get around to that at some point. I do a lot of driving lately where I’m in the car for hours at a time, and I can’t think of anything better than driving away from myself but also keeping such a solid piece of my heart with me, to remind myself of who I am, what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. Why I’m here at all.
People tell you how they feel about you and I sit and wonder how they came to that conclusion. I have this thing where I assume that because I know certain things about myself, I think everyone else does too. I’m very open about my emotions, I have a lot of them and I like being honest and talking about how I feel if it’s with the right person. I didn’t realise that would apparently make me come across as a fragile broken mess, which I’m not. I had a conversation where I had to combat all of these assumptions and thoughts about myself, I told him I didn’t need saving. I don’t know why he thought I did. It allowed me to look at myself from a bird’s eye view – I think about myself a lot in the sense that I’m constantly worrying about what other people think of me and how they’ll perceive me, but I guess I never really think about myself objectively as just Chloe. Who is she? How does she come across? I had to backtrack and wonder if I’d overshared and if it was too much, I had to try to come to a conclusion of why someone would think things about me that weren’t true. I am strong and I’m brave and yes I’m also scared and sad sometimes but I’m getting there and I’m doing it and I don’t need saving. Emotionally I am fragile, but I’m not about to break. I don’t need help like that. I wondered about all of the things I’d said that had made him think that way. I had to tell him I’m not a responsibility, I’m not something he needs to take on. I don’t need or require anything from anyone nor do I expect anything from them either, it made me come out of my body for a bit as I tried to explain that I’m not sure where this was coming from but that wasn’t the case at all. I have no expectations, there is no pressure, I don’t need saving or fixing, I’m not something someone should “take on”. He said I’d managed by myself thus far and I said yes I have and I will continue to do so, that’s not what I’m here for, I don’t need someone else to help me or save me, I’m saving myself. I’ve saved her already and I will keep saving her, so you’re fine on that one. You can sit back and relax. I don’t need or want you to worry and yes you’ve done this before with someone else but I’m not her and I don’t know what she was like but you cannot put those experiences and assumptions on me too, because it’s not fair. You can’t create these fake problems in your head, project them onto me and then say “this is why it won’t work. This is why this isn’t a good idea”.
I’m glad I had the conversation, it allowed me to say my piece and put all worries to rest before they escalated further. I felt like I actually got to speak for myself and say hey, you think I’m something broken but I’m not, I’m whole, the only difference is I’m able to talk about it. I’m just able to be open and blasé and natural with the way I feel and the way I have felt and probably will continue to in future, or one day again at least. But that’s okay. Don’t paint me all one colour just because of that though, and don’t tarnish me with the same brush as the past. I get it, because I do the same – you expect what you’ve always had, you don’t know any different, but you have to try. That’s all we can do, all we can do is try.
I stopped before I felt like I was trying to sell myself, because I don’t do that nor will I. But I’m glad I had the conversation and it made me feel better, and it made me feel resolved. It made me think in a better way and it was good communication, one that I hope to keep having in future.
So lately I’m reading and I’m writing, and I’m listening to this music and I’m keeping pieces of myself with me always, so that I don’t lose that, or her. I’m taking myself with me wherever I go and I’m thinking of myself differently, I’m accepting of the fact that a lot of things are not my problem and have nothing to do with me, but everything to do with someone else. It’s not my fault, or my issue or my worry, that’s their brain and their thought process, not mine. I don’t need to blame myself and I won’t. What other people think of me is none of my business, that’s their issue to deal with and theirs alone.
I also think well, I am lots of things, good things, and there’s no more I can do other than that. Like I said, I won’t sell myself or try to convince someone else to invest in such a “purchase” and I’m glad there was no part of me that felt the need to do that, because the old me would have. I said what I needed to say and he accepted it all and believed it and we moved on, and it was a good talk. A very good talk. I always think, you’re lucky to potentially have someone who would do anything for you, who would give you the whole world, who would sit and listen to you forever, who would protect you and care about you and love you and then some – who would give you everything. If you don’t want that? Your loss. My gain, and not my problem because what more can I do? I’m here and if you would rather prioritise other things over that then that’s your prerogative and absolutely no concern of mine, just let me know because my time is precious and I’d rather not spend it here if it’s going to waste. I don’t need any more bad experiences. It made me smile to myself actually, the fact that you could give someone the world and they’d still rather have the freedom to meet people they don’t connect with and go home feeling empty at the end of the day wishing they had the very thing they just shied away from. People are funny little things. But it’s their problem, not mine, and I’m very much okay with that.
But anyway, communication is good. I was irritated that I had allowed myself to come across as some kind of fragile, broken mess. A “responsibility”, something to be taken on and saved. Something heavy, something too much. But then I realised, I never came across that way at all, I was just open with my feelings and experiences and he chose to turn that into something else based on his past experiences, so I’m glad I could shut that down. I am no one’s responsibility, I don’t expect anything from anyone. Two people coming together is about freedom, love is freedom and self-expression, it’s not a responsibility and a burden. I am not a responsibility and a burden, I refuse to let myself be viewed in such a way, especially when I have not even created that image myself.
This weekend I’ll be at home for the first time in months, and I’m going to go book shopping and spend a day with myself. I’m going to spend time with my family and read and catch up on things and come back to myself, I haven’t lost myself at all, if anything I’ve grown and flourished because of these experiences and the people I’ve met along the way who are now parts of my life, and I love that. I love me for being like that and I love me for loving that. I’m good. I’m great even, and it felt great to reiterate to someone that despite everything they may think I am, I’m good. I’m okay and I’m fine and I’m managing it and I am not their responsibility to take on. I’ve got it, thank you. You don’t need to worry about me. I’m good.
It’s good to immerse yourself in your own self, like you’re a beautiful pool of things and you’re dunking your head under the surface in order to refresh yourself. You’re going to lie on your back floating, and then you’re going to close your eyes and feel the sunshine wash over you, the light peeking through your lids and dancing over your lashes. I’m not losing myself, I’m finding myself, and the wave is only getting bigger. I’m waiting for it to crash over me and wash over my skin. I’m refreshing myself with myself, because you need to spend time doing the things you love with the people you love, and if you love yourself? Then that’s all there is to it. As long as you love yourself, you’ll always be with someone you love, someone who’ll want to hold your hand along the way and never let go. Someone who will not think of you as a responsibility or a pressure, or something to be taken on and fixed. You’re just you, and that’s all there is to it.
I’m glad I got to see me.