drowning

turning sadness into art . turning you into poetry . you should be grateful i write you down . i’m grateful i write at all . when you’re gone all i do is think about you and it hurts me to watch you leave . you left in my rear view mirror and i thought i was going to break . i’m too nostalgic . too emotional . too lonely . too wanting to be loved . after you’d gone i kept checking my mirror to make sure the empty space was still there, to make sure you’d really left . wondering if you’d even been there at all, trying to convince myself you had . something in my heart leapt out of my chest and i had to rest my head on the steering wheel because in that moment i couldn’t see . a future or a past or a present . i was just empty . there’s a part of me that’s so scared of being left, so scared of being abandoned . my inner child . a young girl who just wants to be loved and never left . it was her that leapt out of me at that moment, it was her that made my stomach drop, her that made me feel so scared i didn’t know if i could drive home . i sat in that car park wondering who i could call . i’ve been left but not forever, who can i tell? who can i tell how lonely i am even though you were just here but now you’re not and suddenly i feel like i can’t breathe because nothing seems to have meaning anymore. nothing matters . who can i call? no one. they wouldn’t understand, anyway. and i don’t like sharing. i’m too quiet and reserved and cut off. i like keeping my secrets. i’m terrified of talking and letting it all spill out. i don’t know what will happen if i do . so i sat in my car staring at the empty spot where you’d been, wondering how one minute you were here and then you weren’t, and then i drove home wondering what i was going to do with myself. i had a talk with myself in the car, i wanted to give myself a hug. i wanted you to give me a hug, but i already know that you can’t fix things for me. i was proving it as we spoke. i spoke to myself and i got choked up and i cried for myself because i understood it wasn’t fair, i shouldn’t feel like this and i’m so sorry chloe that you do, because your heart is so big but the world is so small and sometimes there’s nowhere to contain it all. and then i nearly ran a red light because i couldn’t see through my tears. silly idea really, to cry when you’re driving. i would have been bothered if i’d have crashed at that moment though, which is something i suppose. usually i’d want to drive into a barrier and never look back. be glad it was all over, be glad i didn’t have to think anymore. i had a whole day ahead of me and the sun was shining and it was beautiful and i had nowhere to go, no one to want me. it’s not enough. i have to stop myself sometimes, from using people for their affection. using people to fill up this void inside of me, which always stays empty because they’re not the answer but i don’t know what the answer is so i keep trying. i’m writing this in my bathroom and luckily i could be a lot sadder than i am right now even though i sound sad enough already and it’s true, i feel like i can’t breathe but i’m going to be okay. i always am in the end. how do i deal with this? i don’t know. i don’t know. but watching myself being left today scared me more than even i could understand, like a screaming animal jumping out of me and crying wait ! don’t go! please stay. don’t leave . please save me. there was an ache in my throat. i felt something swimming behind my eyes . something crack inside my chest. if i was a wolf i would have howled at the moon. i would have cried under moonlight and waited for you to come back. that’s all i do. count down the days. wait for the time to pass. i need you but you don’t need me. i want someone to die without me. selfish but it’s true. i want someone who can’t exist without me, someone who too feels like they can’t breathe when they watch me go. i wonder if anyone’s ever felt that way about me . i doubt it. i deserve it though. i deserve someone who wants me like that, because i want everyone else like that and don’t i deserve reciprocation? i want someone who understands. no one understands. i’m sad and lost and lonely and i can’t be by myself anymore. i want to save myself but right now i don’t have it in me. maybe i’ll try again tomorrow. i’m going to switch my brain off for a while.

3 thoughts on “drowning

  1. stickysituation says:

    I relate to not wanting to share, to keeping all in because it’s easier, to being terrified of opening up, to feeling like nobody would understand. I’ve been surprised though, too. Surprised by certain people in my life who were patient enough to let me open up more and more in my own time and who call me out when I answer their how are yous with a robotic “I’m good, how are you? *always steering the conversation back to them*”. I hope people like that find you too.

    And you do deserve it Clo. You deserve that and so, so much more. You are a true ray of sunshine and I mean that with everything I’ve got. Sending you much love. x

    Liked by 1 person

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