i promise. i’m sitting there and you’re like a child to me now, this angel of a girl, my babylove, and i want to hold you and cuddle you and look after you and protect you from everything in the entire world. i can’t, of course, i couldn’t, i didn’t, that’s why i’m here and you’re not. that’s why i’m here and you’re there, wherever that is. hope it’s somewhere nice, hope you’re having the time of your life. you’re still here too though, and i find myself sitting there wishing you’d walk into the room. wonder what you’d think of my boyfriend, know you’d love him just as much as i do. wonder what you’d think of lots of things, wonder what you’d think about the fact i haven’t replaced you and never will, because i can’t. you’d tell me off, you’d tell me i should find my people, hold onto them. i can’t though, because you were mine and yeah my life isn’t ruled by it anymore, it’s not defined by it, but it still ruined it. i rebuilt it though, i’m still rebuilding it and it’s all fine. i still cry about it, someone says your name and before i know it tears are spilling down my cheeks. i can’t help it. i love you, i miss you, i want you back. i want my person back, my baby back. your ridiculously long hair and all your freckles, your silly laugh and the way you said my name. i want it back. wish we could sit around playing board games getting drunk like i do these days, i remember when we used to get drunk together and you were always the sensible one, always the one who barely finished her drink even though i’d drank mine within seconds. running around the park being stupid and you were trying to take me home. you’re home, you know? i was lost for a long time, i still am i guess, but i know how to navigate it now, i know more than i did before, anyway. you were always the one looking after me but now i’m the adult and you’re the child, i wish i could look after you now. i wish too many things. i’m not sad here, by the way. i mean, i am in the sense that there’s a weight on my heart, but i’m okay. just talking to you, you know? it’s good to talk. we have these conversations, have always had them. always will. hope that’s okay. love you. hope you’ve had a wonderful day, hope your life now is as brilliant as you, wherever you are. you’re always mine and i’m always yours. promise. i found my soulmate and i’ll never forget that. love you. i’ll speak to you soon.