junk of the heart (happy)

july 2021, or was it june

Drunk. Happy. We bond over our memory of a song. I’m searching through your Spotify playlists and gasp when I see one of my favourites in there, wondering how you found it and what the chances were of you even knowing it. I think it’s fate. The title of the song is something you do to me all the time, which also makes me smile. Funny how things work. We’re drunk in your living room, I’m sat on the floor and we’re trying to play scrabble and I can still spell perfectly but the words I’m making aren’t real and if I add 3 letters onto the end of this will you let me have it even though it doesn’t exist? Can you total up my points because my brain isn’t working right now but I’m very happy because your arms are around me and Frank Ocean is playing on the TV and channel orange is staring me in the face which is all I could’ve ever wanted and I wonder if there’ll ever be a moment better than this. Wish I could stay here forever. Think I’ve found my happy place. This is how my life should be, I think. This is how it was always supposed to be, this is what I was supposed to be doing and where I was supposed to spend time. Here with you, playing board games listening to my favourite music and drunkenly trying to cook things in your kitchen at 2am. I think about who you were before I knew you, I think about you experiencing these songs without me for the first time,  about us listening to them separately in different situations with different people before we even knew each other existed, about how we both decided we loved them and now here we are sat listening and sharing them together. I wonder where you’ve been all these years and what you were doing when I was doing something else. What’s my person doing right now, I used to think. Now I’m looking at you and wondering. I can do what I want here, be who I want here, I don’t think about anything or anyone else. This room is all I need. You are all I need. I tell you I’d do anything for you and mean it. I tell you I’m never going to leave you and mean it. I tell myself I’m going to write about this moment because I love it. I have more to say but I’m suddenly shy and can’t get the words out. We share something important and we share something old to make something new and I like this space, I like this place. Thank you for sharing it with me.

I look at you and I’m home, and I want to give you the world. I look at you and it’s like I’ve known you my whole life, like there’s never not been a time I didn’t know your face. You tell me this feels right and I agree, I tell you it’s because this is right. It’s what was meant to happen. This was meant to happen. I was supposed to be here and you were supposed to be there and our nights were always meant to be like this sprawled on the sofa watching crap TV, you tell me about people I’ve never heard of and I share all my secrets and you deserve everything and I will give you that. I will give you everything and I will do anything for you and I tell you you deserve so much better than what you’ve already had and I beg you to know that I’m here to give it to you. That’s all I want. You’re everything and I look at you and my heart is so comfortable and safe, like it’s always been here and things have always been like this, I look at you and I feel so full of love. The chemicals in my brain working together to tell me that whatever this is, it’s for me. It was made for me. Meant for me. You tell me you love me like it’s the most natural thing in the world and I wish I wasn’t so drunk that I can barely even register what you’ve said. I replay it in my head 5 times over, like a voice note I’ve recorded to play back forever. You love me? I ask. You say yes. I kiss your forehead and whisper thank you, you tell me never to thank you for such a thing. I tell you I love you more, there’s no doubt about it. I love you and I love us and I can’t believe angels are real. I will never let you down.

i could have worded this better, but my heart’s too distracted right now

9 thoughts on “junk of the heart (happy)

  1. stickysituation says:

    oh to be in looooove ❀ I love what you wrote about a person feeling like home. I see my person after a few days of being apart and there's always this rush of this beautiful feeling of coming home and the calm it evokes. Absolutely loved reading this, wonderful writing as always – really captured the intimacy of the moment you two shared!

    Liked by 1 person

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