if things were different

Do you ever wonder how your life would have turned out if things had been different?

Like what if my best friend hadn’t died when I was 15, what if I’d went to college, what if I’d went to university, what if I’d dated that person when I had the chance, what if I didn’t bail out of something I probably should have said yes to, what if I’d have gone to that party, what if I hadn’t stopped speaking to that person.

What if I’d turned out different.

If the choices you’ve made in life were ones you still would have made no matter the circumstances because they were so inherently true to yourself, then I guess you’d never ponder these questions. Some of my decisions in life have been the same – they were so inherently myself that I’ve never questioned them or wondered what would have happened if I’d chosen something else, because I never would have – you could put me back in that situation 100 times and I’d still make the same decision.

However, there are some things in my life (probably more than I’d like to admit) that I think about sometimes and wonder what I’d be doing now if things had turned out differently. They’re not regrets and they don’t keep me awake at night or anything, but sometimes if I’m reminded of a certain someone or something, my mind starts to wander and unravel and suddenly I’m presenting all of these different scenarios to myself and thinking, I wonder what things would have been like if you’d have been different. If you’d said yes, or no, or changed your mind, or said that thing you wanted to but never did – would you be happier? Would your life be better than it is? Some scenarios I can imagine and some I can’t, for some things, I guess I will always have to wonder what would have been because I genuinely don’t know and couldn’t even give a rough guess as to how they would’ve turned out, so those things will always be an unknown for me, but some things I can imagine – I can wonder and think about how my life would stand right now had I taken the chance.

The reason I think about them in the first place is because these things weren’t inherently myself, they weren’t decisions that I’d stand by in 10 years from now, they were decisions I made because I wasn’t so confident, or I was scared or wanting to run away from things and therefore I simply didn’t allow life to unfold as it should have done. I missed out on a lot of things, a lot of people – I don’t miss it, or them, but I do wonder about how things would have turned out had I taken the chance.

Everything happens for a reason and the universe has a plan for all of us, but sometimes we need to help ourselves out because we can’t expect things to just fall into our lap, and I think that’s where I went wrong. I wasn’t helping myself, I didn’t want to help myself, or maybe I did, maybe I thought I was, but looking back in hindsight they were the wrong decisions but at the same time, they were the only ones I could have made because I didn’t know anything else. I thought I was doing the right thing but looking back now I should have chosen differently, but like I said, I didn’t know anything else. I wasted too much time on things that I thought would fix whatever it was I was searching for, I missed my chances and it was always too late once things had gone up in flames – could I have prevented them? Of course. If I’d gotten out of my own head and stopped overthinking things to the point it drove me literally insane and left me unable to function then of course things could have been different, but what was I to do? I was so lost and there wasn’t a single person that could have helped me find myself even if they’d wanted to. I did the best I could with what I thought I knew which looking back on it now, I realise wasn’t a lot. I was scared.

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t hurt anybody, this is not about me making bad decisions that had consequences for others, but more…myself. I did it all to myself, and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t ruined things that could have been saved. There are some things you just can’t get back no matter how much you want them, so they’ll have to live in my imagination instead.

I just needed to get this out today, there’s some weird coincidences that have been happening lately and it’s been confusing me a lot, I can’t figure out what the universe is trying to tell me but I hope I work it out soon. Right now it’s leading me to think about this – these little thoughts floating around my head that I need to get out into the world so that they feel like they exist, to prove that I acknowledged and even thought about them in the first place.

“The longing to ‘feel like your old self again’, but you never will because she is dead and perished. It was either her life or yours, and you chose to transform.”

All my love,

Chloe .xx

27 thoughts on “if things were different

  1. chloeburford says:

    I love this so much, like SO MUCH. You are so goddamn inspirational. I often think this too, like maybe something’s I might regret slightly. But remember what will be, will be. You are doing great angel!! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hannah says:

    I am a firm believer that if it was meant to be, it will be. No matter what decisions you make, if something was meant to happen, it will somehow work its way back into your life. Whether that is bumping into an old friend 3 years later when you are more compatible or reuniting with an old love 10 years later when you both are ready to commit. What will be will be so take comfort in that fact that you will have never missed an opportunity if it was meant to happen to you. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      I believe this too, it’s something I had to tell myself from a young age in order to carry on with life, basically, otherwise I would have crumbled from not understanding the way the world worked and why it was so cruel. Sometimes I still can’t help but wonder though. Thank you for this xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. martynmelaugh says:

    Beautifully written, at night I can ponder till dawn about what if I had chosen another path except 4 years of studying engineering in college. What would’ve happened had I chosen something else? Or had went down a different path entirely, or even if I could be better off as currently I’ve had no luck finding employment. At the end of the day I accept there’s no turning back and that there’s still time to change my fortunes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much! You’re very right, we have to accept that there’s no turning back and that the things we did lead us to where we are now, whether we we’re supposed to be here or not. Time is hopefully always on our side and we have the power to change things whenever we choose to ✨

      Liked by 1 person

  4. beforetheclockstrikes12 says:

    Hi Chloe! First of all,beautiful piece as always and such a beautiful picture! I also love to take pictures of the outside scenery every time I am flying, and that picture is just gorgeous. I am happy you were able to capture that moment on camera.

    I completely understand how you feel. I remember we discussed this in the comments section of one of my blog posts. I’m happy to hear you say that although you think about these moments, they are not about times where you hurt others or something bad happened. It still hurts to think back to times were a simple decision could have drastically changed your life. I struggle with this way too much. It honestly keeps me up at night, thinking about how I could be a lot happier if only I took a certain opportunity, or went left instead of going right. Everywhere I turn I see my friends excelling and doing so well for themselves and doing truly amazing things, and although I feel so happy for them a small (okay more than a small) part of me feels jealous because they are taking every opportunity and I am doing absolutely nothing, and then I realize I have no one else to blame but myself. Then I cry and mope and the suicidal thoughts hit and all that stuff.

    Recently though, a friend of mine told me that I should stop thinking about things I can not control, and I have been thinking a lot about this. I also want you to try this. These thoughts are definitely important, but it is important that they do not cripple you to a point where you begin to question your purpose in life (like I did/do). I may not know you personally, but I think you are doing extremely well and have a lot of great things ahead of you. Sending you all the best xx

    – Kojo

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much !! I took it as we were about to land in Greece, actually! The sun was kind of setting as it was later in the day and I couldn’t help but get some pictures because the whole scene was absolutely beautiful. I always feel like I have my most whimsical and thought-provoking moments when travelling in the sky.

      I think if my actions had had consequences for other people my whole outlook on them would have been different (a lot more negative and probably a lot less forgiving) and even though I should love myself enough to regard myself in the same manner, I’m still glad the only person these choices affected was myself. I think the fact I know these decisions were out of fear, anxiety etc. as well also helps because as I mentioned, there was nothing else I could have decided / chosen at the time, so I guess that helps me ‘sleep a little better’ in some ways.

      I feel that way too sometimes and you’re definitely not alone in it, I’m forever comparing myself to other people my age and then beating myself up about it and thinking why can’t you just be happy with what you’re doing? This is the path you chose and these are the decisions you made to get here so why do you keep wishing you’d done something else? You would never have made the choices that other person did hence, you’re not in their position. But then I think to myself, DID I make those choices, or did those choices make me? I feel like sometimes I just sit here letting life just simply happen to me and before I know it I’m lost in the middle of nowhere and wondering how that came about. But if I didn’t take a stand and make an effort to change the course on which I was on, what was I expecting? I can’t keep just sitting here and letting life happen to me the way it wants to, because I’m the decision maker here.

      You’re words (as always) are so much appreciated, I always love hearing your insight on things. You DO have a purpose and I for one am extremely glad and grateful that you’re here. Your friend is right, stop worrying about things you can’t control. After all, what use does it have? I need to tell myself that more often. Sending lots of love and light your way 💫✨xx

      Liked by 2 people

  5. The Style of Laura Jane says:

    This is exactly how I feel. There are so many decisions I’ve made in the past that I sometimes ponder at night and think – if only? I know the choices didn’t reflect me and were made on the basis of being scared, anxious or unable to admit feelings. I also know that our mind’s usually put rose-tinted glasses on things and perhaps if things were different, it still wouldn’t be right?
    I do agree we need to help ourselves and I’m trying to focus on the future and think what can I do today that I’ll look back on and accept. But doubts on the past somehow creep in. Your writing is beautifully expressed Chloe x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      I knew you’d understand what I meant as always! If only, if only, if only…so many questions. Also very true – rose tinted glasses are such a prominent thing in my life I feel like I see everything through them even though I know those things weren’t always as they seemed, but I can’t help it. I’m too sentimental and nostalgic – maybe things wouldn’t have been right either way. Doubts will always creep in but we have to remember that everything happens for a reason, at least that’s how I manage the whole debacle anyway. Hope you’re well lovely .xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. seaofwordsx says:

    Beautiful written 💗 I so agree with you. I’m also thinking sometimes if things were different would my life be better. It’s is what’s. I agree that the universe has a plan for all of us but sometimes we need to also do something to make it happen. I can always relate to your words. You are amazing 💗 xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much angel girl 💞 the universe always does have a plan and we wouldn’t be where we are right now had those mistakes and choices been made. You’re MORE amazing, love you lots xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. heatherpfeifle says:

    I think it’s great you’re considering these things at this point in your life. It took me a lot longer to consider. And while I don’t regret the choices I have made because changing those choices would affect my children, I do sometimes wonder how things would have turned out had I taken a different path. If I had been more confident, more of a leader rather than a follower, if I had found a way to finish college, etc. But again, I can’t regret, only learn. So now I try to be bolder in my choices, fight for my dreams, and not let other people’s opinions determine what I decide to do. They can’t live my life for me so why should their opinions matter anyway, right?

    Liked by 3 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Yes !! What if, what if, what if? So many questions and so many possible answers. For me I suppose I’m lucky in the sense that the only person those decisions necessarily affected was me, but to have the repercussions / consequences affect others too? My brain would go into overdrive! It’s good that you don’t need to regret any of your decisions because of your children and I think that’s a perfect way to look at it. You’re right, too. We can only learn from these doings and yes, their opinions absolutely do not matter! This is your life, live it the way that you want to .xx

      Like

  8. Chips says:

    “It was either her life or yours, and you chose to transform.” I have to remind myself of this when I start thinking about the what ifs. I would repeat the majority of the choices I made if I had the chance to, my heart as always leads whether I want it to or not doesn’t matter. But in a way I feel like everything happens for a reason, I’m convinced I’d be a stranger to myself if I’d chosen otherwise (both good and bad) xx

    Liked by 2 people

  9. It's Becca says:

    I wonder about this a lot too. There are some things I really do wish I’d done. But I think it’s nice to know that if I’m given the same or a similar chance in the future, I’ll know that I’ll want to do it even if it’s something that scares me. I think I’d be a very different person if i’d made different choices in life, but I think I like where I’ve got to now (and I hope you do too!) ^.^

    Liked by 2 people

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