It’s my 20th birthday today! Super weird that I’m no longer a teenager and now have to describe myself as being “in my twenties” (I’m still in denial). There’ll be a what I got for my birthday post coming up soon (if I decide to make one) but other than that, let’s get on with today’s post! I thought this one should be a little more personal since it’s my birthday and so I thought it was only right to share this piece with you guys, which I’ve had in my drafts forever now.
Here’s a little voice note / transcript of me when I was 18 rambling about the universe at 3am in late December (2016)…
p.s. – it’s also Virginia Woolf’s birthday today which, if you know me, is incredibly weird don’t you think? I swear it must mean something…
“However bad my life feels, I feel like it was meant to go this way. Like it was meant to happen this way. No matter how much I think the world shuts its doors on me and how much I feel like nothing goes right for me, *laughs* it was supposed to be this way, because I was meant to do something bigger. I was made for something bigger, and it’s just finding out what that is, you know? Like I said, I need to find myself, and when I do find her I’m never gonna let her go because I know how long it took for me to do that, but it was meant to happen this way. Everything that’s happened to me was meant to happen, it’s not a string of bad luck, it’s not life telling me “you weren’t made for this”, it’s the universe telling me that I was made for it but I was also made for something so much more… and that’s what I have to remember when I think to myself, why me? Why is this happening to me? You know? Why did my best friend die, why do I have a mental illness, why do I have depression and anxiety, why am I scared of the world, why can I not seem to really connect with anybody? Why can I not find my people, why can I not find my place, why do I feel so lost, why do I feel so suffocated, why does nothing feel like home to me? You know? But it was meant to happen, it was supposed to happen this way and that’s just what I’ve got to remember.
But I don’t know what I’ll do, I don’t know where I’m going I don’t…you know at the minute my room is my creative space, and I just keep removing everything because nothing feels right. It doesn’t feel like me so I’m changing everything and I’m making everything white and I’m removing everything and taking it all away and it, it’s still not doing anything for me. But, I am different and I’ve realised that now I guess. When it first starts you just think, why? *laughs*. Like I said, why is this happening to me? I feel like I wanna cry, but for myself. Like I wanna grieve for myself, because I’ve lost myself so many times and I’m so nostalgic, like nostalgia is a bitch. It really is because even though things were shit at the time, when you think back on it nostalgia makes you miss it a lot and I am nostalgic for everything, cause I feel like I am just so far away from anything that makes me feel like home, and I wanna cry and I wanna mourn and I wanna grieve but I wanna grieve and cry and mourn for myself, you know?
I wanna get in the car and go on a really long road trip and look in my rear view mirror as I’m driving away from everything I’ve ever known, even though it’s never really felt like home to me, it’s the only physical home I’ve ever had and I wanna look in the rear view mirror and I just wanna cry and grieve and just breathe because I feel like, I don’t know. I’m so lost. so lonely, so empty… I don’t know who I am, it really hurts because the person that I am at home isn’t me, and the person that I am at work isn’t me, and the person that I am on my own, I don’t know if it’s me, it’s more me than the other me’s, you know, it’s more me than the one in front of my parents and the one in front of everyone else and stuff but I don’t, I still don’t know if that’s me, and I don’t know who me is, I don’t know what my personality is. People say describe yourself and I can’t, ’cause I don’t know, and I get sad and I get frustrated ’cause I’ll be somewhere and naturally I’ll be a certain way subconsciously and then I’ll get home and I’ll think, that didn’t really feel like me or even if I’m home and I’m downstairs with my parents, I come upstairs and I just think “that wasn’t really me”. Like that wasn’t the way that I wanted to come across or that’s not the way that I feel that I am, and so everybody gets this perception of me but it isn’t really me and I don’t know what is and people always say there’s a part of yourself that you don’t show to anybody else, which is true but I can’t even show that bit to myself. Even if you’re in a relationship they say there’s always a part of you that you don’t show to anyone, there’s always a chapter that you don’t read out loud and I just, I don’t even think that I’ve read that chapter to myself, I haven’t even found that chapter yet. I can’t find it, I’m flicking through the book and it’s not there. *laughs*
And when people start to tell you things so often, you believe it, and so, if somebody tells you that you are a certain way and you don’t even know who you are yourself, you just go along with them and you believe it. Like yeah, okay, that’s how I must come across so that’s the way that I am, but I’m not. That’s not who I am, but it scares me because there’s nothing in this world that makes me feel like who I am. Even when I’m in situations that could possibly give me an outlet to be who I am, I’m still not that person… and so I think even if everything is being handed to you and you’re being put in a situation and environment where you can be who you are and you’re still not doing that – you still can’t… then what are you? What is it gonna take? And I don’t know. *laughs*
Like I wanna travel and I wanna go places but I have nowhere to go and I have no one to go with… how do you find people? How do you…trust people? And I don’t know… I don’t know.
But then I sit here, like right now and I am this way but then I know that in the morning I won’t feel this way and I’ll just feel how I feel every day and then I think oh, well maybe I’m not actually ill, maybe I’m just…maybe I just need to get out more. *laughs*. But then I sit here like this and I talk about things and I think about things and I realise how lost I actually am and how confused I am… and how mismatched and disorientated and all of those things that I am and it’s like wow maybe, maybe I’m not normal. Maybe I’m not the same as everyone else… I know I’m not the same as everyone else.”