sometimes you need to just drive

I was feeling really anxious yesterday, or I was about to. I read something I wish I hadn’t and knew that the next hour was going to consist of me falling into this deep pit of nothingness, and I wasn’t about to let that happen. I threw some clothes on, got in the car and drove around for an hour listening to old Taylor Swift songs thinking about everything and nothing at all. I drove past my old school and a few places I used to know until the knot in my stomach subsided and I knew I’d be okay going home again.

I got home and my friend texted me asking if she could call me, I said of course and for the next hour I sat listening to her sobbing down the phone because she was so sad about something that had happened earlier that day. I felt useless because I was hours away and couldn’t physically do anything, all I could hear was her screaming and crying in her bathroom, I felt so far away.

It’s a little while later that I’m writing this now and I feel okay. I thought I’d feel sad or something but I don’t know, I don’t really feel anything. My friend crying on the phone sounded like my best friend who died 5 years ago and it’s the anniversary of her death in 2 days. Life is weird. I don’t feel anything right now, I’m numb but also not really, I’m just kind of floating. But I’m okay. I’ll be okay. Normally I think I would have cried by now but I haven’t, I’m still functioning and it’s alright. It’s alright. I don’t know what’s in the air right now but I needed that drive and I needed old Taylor Swift songs and to scream them at the top of my lungs not caring who saw me. I have to write these things down because otherwise I feel like they never happened, I feel like they don’t exist. No one knows I went for a drive yesterday, no one knows that what I read actually did get to me, my old friends don’t know I drove by their houses thinking about everything and nothing at all, my friend doesn’t know I sat in silence on the other end of the phone because she sounded like someone I haven’t heard in 5 years. No one knows but me, and now you. Sometimes I have to write things down because if I don’t, I feel like I don’t really exist at all.

Sometimes I need to just drive.

23 thoughts on “sometimes you need to just drive

  1. Hannah says:

    I totally agree with this! Sometimes I just drive around a bit aimlessly just because I find it a good way to think. I also like talking long walks (it’s cheaper than petrol and also I worry I will zone out and crash one day) xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. seaofwordsx says:

    I can’t drive yet but I can understand that it’s great to drive to just clear your mind. I also love Oh Wonder music πŸ’• I’m proud of you for taking care of yourself in that situation. You’re an inspring person and so strong for everything you overcame and will overcome ❀️πŸ’ͺ Love you and take care ❀️ I hope you’re feeling better now xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. hopelesswonderer says:

    Could not agree more, it goes back the whole flight or fight psychology report, whenever I feel anxious I “fly” or more so drive and relax and try and steady my mind! it makes such a difference xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The Style of Laura Jane says:

    I hope you’re okay now! You’re amazing for fighting that feeling of wanting to go into a deep pit, and instead, you made the decision to do something. You’re really amazing for this piece. You’ve put your heart out there and as a reader, all I can say is thank you! xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Kalia says:

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, you are such a strong person! Sometimes we all need some refreshment from everything. Is great to write about it and acknowledge this part of ourselves πŸ™‚

    I send a big hug!

    Liked by 1 person

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